Although this site is still in its infancy and currently lacks a theme or anything resembling content, I feel that the time has come for me to begin filling its nascent and fertile folds with unfunny complaints and angry ravings. Through this medium, I intend to enact the destruction of this website before it ever has the opportunity to bloom.
With this overarching goal in mind and an overwhelming sense of unfocused anger at my coworkers, I now present to you a helpful guide for identifying co-workers who hate you. This is by no means an exhaustive list but should be considered a beginners guide to identifying malevolence in the workplace.
5. They openly scream at you and demand apologies for your behavior.
I have elected to star with the most obvious and easy to identify behavior indicator of hatred. If your co-workers begin to scream/yell at you with or without appropriate provocation, there is a good chance that they hate you or at least dislike you considerably. While it is possible that they may like you and simply have a chemical imbalance, it is unlikely especially considering how much of a jerk you probably are. It is best to assume any co-worker displaying this behavior hates you with an ever-burning passion. The most acceptable and effective means of dealing with this behavior is weeping openly like a scared little girl. Making puppy-dog eyes may also help as well.
4. They leave you passive aggressive notes in a language you don't understand.
While this behavior may seem to be limited to people who work in foreign language environments, the behavior can be easily demonstrated in standard working environments as well. Bearing in mind the amount of technical jargon and double-speak that have penetrated the English language, it is quite conceivable for an Human Resources manager or and IT worker to leave a note on your desk that is entirely unintelligible to your relatively uneducated mind. Moreover, the relatively high rate of second language skills (in places other than the US) among educated workers means that anyone in your office could easily slip you a note in one of the many prolific devil-tongues. It is best to assume that any note or email that you cannot understand is a passive aggressive (and possibly direct) attack on your person. Furthermore, it is also safe to assume that anyone using one of these devil-tongues is a terrorist and should be reported to the appropriate authority.
3. They whisper with other workers when you are around and furtively glance in your direction.
Unfortunately, this behavior can be one of the most difficult to identify. While it is probably safe to assume that your co-workers are plotting against you, there are other possibilities that should be considered.
- They have a secret crush on you.
- You have bits of lunch stuck in your teeth.
- You have forgotten to wear pants again.
- They are having a private conversation about their lady parts.
- You have become a paranoid schizophrenic.
While these other possiblities exist, it is wisest to assume hostility and react accordingly. If you see people whispering about you, the best response is to spin around, glare at them, throw your arms up into the air and begin screaming and jumping around like the chimpanzee in the obelisk scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey. If for some reason you can't do that, stalk away in a huff.
2. They actively try to prevent you from doing your job.
Again, this behavior can be a little hard to discern. It is quite possible that your coworkers are simply busy, absent-minded people and aren't purposefully ignoring your emails, notes, requests and paperwork. On the other hand, it is much more likely that they are trying to sabotage your ability to do your job effectively. Since this behavior can be so hard to identify, here are some primary examples of coworkers actively working against you:
- They crumple up and paperwork you give them without reading it.
- They occasionally "trip" over the power cord for your computer.
- They filled your filling cabinet with cement.
- They have repeatedly punched you instead of answering your questions.
- They ignore your polite emails for information or send responses after the information has become useless.
Again, the best response to this problem is the screaming hitting things with antelope femurs like the chimpanzees from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Barring that, you should try going over their heads to a managers.
1. You are bound, gagged and bleeding in the back of their 2006 Honda Civic.
While this may seem like an obvious sign of hatred, you should not be too hasty with your conclusions. While most such incidents are probably the result of hatred, it is also quite possible that your co-worker has trouble dealing with their affection for you or seriously mis-focused family issues. While there are many possibilities to consider while you are huddled in the cramped trunk, you should probably remained focused on the task of trying to dial 911 with your toes or staunching the gaping wound in your side. There will be plenty of time to worry about the exact feelings of your kidnapping coworker while you are filling out the police report or slowly suffocating in an unmarked grave.
Remember, teamwork requires a team. Are you sure that you have been cooperating with your co-workers effectively? Examine your own behavior before you analyze the behavior of others.