Starting today, WithTwoBrians.com will proudly present a series of unlikely survival guides written by our staff for the world renowned (read: lunatic) survivalist, George L. K. Bucknebara. When Mr. Bucknebara began looking for a ghostwriters and publishing options for his ill-concieved series of survival guides, he looked no further than the fine people of WithTwoBrains.com. Thanks to his crippling borderline illiteracy and aforementioned lunacy, Bucknebara spent the better part of three days locked in the WithTwoBrains.com offices with the writing staff violently dictating nearly incoherent survival guides in between mouthfuls of stolen break-room snacks and attempts to locate government listening devices in the carpet.
While it was a harrowing experience for everyone, the resulting survival guides were of such unsurpassable quality that we opted to release them as a regular feature of the website. While George Bucknebara awaits trial, we hope that you can lend him your support by enjoying his superb work. With this in mind we present:
So, You're Being Forced to Ghostwrite a Survival Article at Gunpoint: A Survival Guide
When disaster strikes and you are caught between an armed gunman and his desire to write a series of unnecessary survival guides, what can you do to protect yourself? How can you ensure that you make it out of the situation relatively unharmed? Where can you look to for advice on handling such a stressful situation? As to that, you need to look no further than WithTwoBrains.com s survival guide on the extremely unlikely (but no less perilous) situation. While we cannot guarantee that you will escape unscathed by following the advice in this article, you should be able to survive the situation with most of your body parts in their correct location. If you are currently trapped in this circumstance, good luck and god speed.
Step 1: Don t Panic!
While you may be severely tempted to immediately run around the room screaming, knocking over office furniture and generally generating a ruckus, resist that urge. It is important to remember that you are being held at gunpoint by a madman and your normal daily office activities (previously mentioned screaming, knocking and ruckus inducing) may upset him more than you realize. As a nearly savage survivalist, George L. K. Bucknebara or other armed gunman is probably not well acquainted with the day-to-day aspects of an office environment. Bearing this in mind, you should remain calm and if at all possible completely still. Much like the mighty T-Rex, the visual centers of your average antisocial survivalist are queued to movement. It is also highly recommended that you collapse on the floor and play dead. Being live game hunters similar to bears, insane gun-wielding woodsmen will often loose interest in a target if they believe that it is dead. If you manage to maintain this illusion for the entire ordeal, then you have no further need for this guide. Congratulations, Jerk!
Do! - Collapse in a place that looks comfortable since you may be laying there in complete stillness for up to three days.
Don t! - Collapse near a vending machine. Since you are a normal office worker, it is very unlikely that you will be able to resist the draw of snacks. This could disrupt alert your captor to your presence.
Step 2: Assemble your Equipment
As with most survival guides, we are forced to assume that you posses a essential set of equipment. The bare-minimum equipment necessary for this guide includes: a hunting knife, one hundred feet of repelling rope, a used parachute, four flares, one liter of potable water, a all-weather blanket, a five pound lead ingot and three extra shoe laces. Since no right-minded office employee would ever consider going to work without this basic list of equipment at their disposal, we will assume that have all of the required pieces. In order to deal with the situation effectively, you must gather all of this equipment into a single, easily accessed location.
Question! - What if the crazed gunman (read: Bucknebara) notices and becomes curious about your activities?
Answer! - Don t overreact. Tell him that you are simply assembling the necessary tools for writing his survival article.
Huh?! - As an illiterate mountain-man, the sociopath (Bucknebara) lacks familiarity with the art of writing and most likely views it with mystic deference. As such, he will not question the supplies you need to go about the dark art of Internet article creation. To reinforce his beliefs, occasionally chant under your breath while gathering the equipment.
Step 3 - Test your Boundaries
In order to escape this scenario, you need to know precisely to what actions and how strongly the flea-ridden psycho (Bucknebara) will react. Unfortunately, this is one of the most dangerous steps in any gunpoint-ghostwriting-hostage situation. You must test his limits and learn numerous pieces of information before you can plan an effective escape. First, you must determine what kind of distractions will get his attention. You can do this by creating large noises, covertly pushing over office furniture and office equipment to explode. Sadly, you may discover that your captor s reaction to unexpected circumstances is shooting you in the leg. Alternatively, you can convince your fellow workers to do these things for you in exchange petty cash or promises of free ice cream.
Do! - Confuse your captor by demanding that he hold a birthday party for Nancy because it s not fair for the office to skip her birthday just because he is holding everyone hostage.
Don t! - Attempt to distract him with a wild animal attack. He will definitely shrug the attack off and he will probably tame the wild animal and bend it to his service. This will result in you having more problems to worry about.
Step 4 - Make an Escape Plan
Now that you have a firm idea of your insane gunman s strengths and weaknesses, it is time to craft a series of elaborate distractions and maneuvers that will deliver you to freedom. While many people would argue that a simplistic plan with few points of failure would be best for this situation, please remember that your snake venom addled keeper is a consummate professional and will probably not fall for any plan that has fewer than 28 individual steps. Your only hope is to concoct a plan convoluted enough to confuse his relatively fragile mind or send him into a drug flashback. While a complicated plan may sound dangerous, bear in mind that most of the individual steps will be preformed by either unwilling coworkers or unwitting office equipment. As such, your only role is to walk out of the building amidst the carnage and confusion.
Remember! - The best plans are so complicated that even you won t be able to remember them.
Go! Go! Go! Don t stand around reading this nonsense! Now is the time for bold actions and ruthlessness. This is your only chance of making it out of this situation alive and you d better use it. By now, you should be well on your way to freedom. Go ahead, we ll wait for you on the other side...
Now, you should be free and completely unscathed thanks to our impeccable advice and sense of timing. Now is the time to find a payphone (read: steal some one's cell phone) and call the police.
Question! - Why didn t I call the police while I was still in the building?
Answer! - I don t know. You tell me. That would have saved you a lot of time and energy. I can t think of everything. Do I look like your mother?
fter calling the police, feel free to go home and relax after a hard three day s work. In fact, we here at WithTwoBrains.com along with the incredible George L. K. Bucknebara give you permission to pop open a cold one and sit back and watch some television. Take a breather and relax... you made it out.
Question! - What if you were shot and didn t make it out of the building?
Answer! - Lie down and prepare to die.